Submitted by: OhGizmo! via Oddly Specific
No can do. I’ll be too busy cutting off heads so no one comes back as a zombie.
Oh yeah, “Place newspaper over head” — that’s really gonna help in case of a nuclear blast.
It will make for some interesting blast shadows..
Newspapers… Preparing potential pirate zombies to be more flamable in Portland, Oregon since 1999.
holy SHIT id be scared if i was in a place where that sign was
Then don’t move to Oregon. Those people are nut cases. I’m surprised the sign doesn’t add “screw your kids, just go on outside and find a wild animal or fish to save”
So if print newspapers become extinct are we all screwed?
Nah, I’d say we’re better off.
Then cover your head with an iPad!
So it finally gains a use.
Someone tell Jobs that. They should start making commercials immediately.
Nuclear fallout? There’s an app for that!
genius’s answer !!!
The “lead” story will shield you.
10 points, great bad bun!
Newspaper: Is there anything it can’t do?
Oh, right. Protect you from a nuclear attack.
Newspapers won’t get you a beer, or always tell the truth.
Newspapers never gonna give you up nor let you down.
Yes. You just got paper-rolled
Obviously, these safety rules were written by George Lucas.
They forgot to put “step inside a refrigerator in case you are in the blast zone”.
. . . why is getting food and water number 6?
no, it’s HAVE food and water. As in, “if you’re ever surprised by a nuclear emergency, remember to have stocked food and water. Yesterday.”
the newspaper withstands the alpha-radiation coming from the blast. Since your head is your most vital part (arguably) of your body, you better cover it with a newspaper, although anything else thicker than a millimeter will work.
Its to stop alpha radiation which can be stopped by paper but can be very very dangerous if not
It should say incinerate corpses to prevent zombie attack.
They left out “Empty out and climb into nearest lead lined refridgerator and yank door closed just before the blast wave hits.”
Excellent plan, Indy. 😉
And “don’t worry, being blasted several miles away in a fridge will result in no injury in the following violent landing.”
I like the old poster better:
In case of nuclear blast, put head between knees and kiss your ass good-bye.
far more accurate for sure
backwards its a dream
I’m pretty sure you’re not ‘averting your eyes from the flash’ if you’re peeking.
well, who really would completely divert their eyes? they wanna see a little bit! they’re just being realistic….
well he is averting one eye so you’ll be able to see from at least one remaining. ^_~
In the land of the flash-blind, the man without depth perception is king
You know, it would take some very minor ‘shopping of the lines around the dying guy’s waist to make that a very different kind of “comfort”…
See, that should be on the list. If you’re gonna die, might as well die orgasmically.
That should be number one on the list: “If nuclear blast is forthcoming, remember, this is your last chance to get some.”
In some cases, it may be your ONLY chance to get some.
That way you could have the unique experience of coming & going at the same time. ( My 1st choice )
How can you do 2 and 3 at the same time?
Anyway, Remain Calm. You’re screwed at that point anyway.
If you’re close enough that the flash and the blast wave come simultaneously, you’re not gonna last long enough for it to matter anyways.
The real question is how you’re supposed to do number 2 unless you know ahead of time that the bomb is coming and exactly when and where it’s going to go off.
I’m doing number 2 in the bathroom, thank you.
I think in this case you’ll be doing it in your pants.
When you see it, you’ll shit radioactive bricks.
Yea you would not want the dying to leave the planet with a boner. And in case she survives re-population looks like it is off to a good start.
I like the “Remain Calm”. Huh, a nuclear attack. Who, me? Nah, just chillin’. Almost done with the sports section if you want it.
You are supposed to put it on your head, not read it!
I like how stickman in step 2 is peeking a little
Point 7…..at least they die happy 😀
Without these directions, I would have insulted the dying.
More good advises:
Remove your humour T-shirt so that your scars cannot be thought as ugly tattoos?
I’m also interested by item #5 — don’t ask the doctors to save your life if you’re not high-priority!
Ah, Portland… my hometown.
I especially like how the guy covering his eyes is still peeking through… so he’ll be half-blind in one eye.
thats it joel just “half blind”
Well we do have a pirate fest here, all you need is your eyepatch.
In case of nuclear attack:
1. Steal someone else’s newspaper.
2. Play peek-a-boo.
3. Leave your wife and daughter at home.
4. Scare someone while pretending to be Napoleon.
5. Go window shopping.
6. Go out for dinner.
7. Have sex.
8. Stand in a closet with wheels.
“City of Portland, Frank Ivancie, Mayor” — according to Wikipedia he served from 1981-85. I wonder where the sign is still up?
Notice the guy behind the calm one doesn’t have a newspaper, and he is in a more anxious stance.
Yes, because everyone knows Wikipedia is a reliable source for accurate information
I hope you are not being sarcastic, because it is in fact a reliable source for accurate information.
“No can do. I’ll be too busy cutting off heads so no one comes back as a zombie.”
You’re not fooling me. You’re just trying to corner the market on brains!
It’s not my fault they’re so tender and delicious!
Never actually eaten brains have you?
Om nom nom….brrrr, chilly.
well, it DOES say to have several weeks food stored up…
Sure thing. Cover yourself completely in newspaper and you’re safe.
I’m not sure there will be too many whole bodies to isolate…most of them will be blow to bits, won’t they?
Not the ones who died from radiation poisoning.
wouldnt the raditaion also kill the bacteria, and therefore some of the diseases? or are there raditation resistant bacteria too?
Well, the key word there is “some”. 😉 If the person isn’t exposed to enough radiation to kill him/her instantly, then the bacteria they’re carrying wouldn’t *all* be killed, either. Plus, if they’re well enough to wander into areas where people weren’t exposed to enough radiation to be killed, there will be bacteria there, too, which those people will then pick up. Plus, if you leave dead bodies lying around, they’re likely to attract animals, some of which will be carrying diseases. So, yeah, that part of the sign actually does make sense.
So I was looking at this on a small, low resolution screen and I could have sworn that #8 said:
“Violate corpses to prevent spread of disease.”
I think that says more about you than it does about your screen….
Okay, um…I’m less flabbergasted by “comfort the dying” as I am by “place newspaper over head”. How would that be of any kind of help?
Newspaper stops alpha radiation. Covering your head reduces the chance of ingesting or inhaling alpha particles, which are extremely hazardous when inside the body.
It’s the lead in the ink. Better hope it wasn’t a slow news day…
Probably not a slow news day if there’s a nuclear war going on…
“Comfort the dying” is a euphemism for “Checking pockets for loose chains”
No 6 have food and water for several weeks? now you tell me?
Yeah, seems like that one should have been first…
Don’t forget to bring a towel!
Do I spy a Hitchhiker reference?
No a southpark reference actually
I’m 58 and I remember this kind of stuff-scared the hell out of us when we were kids-looking at it now-it’s ridiculous-boy were the adults stupid-newspapers? Brace for blast? Remain Calm?-Pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Nah, it was just propaganda to make the public think the government actually, you know, cared. It’s nothing like TSA security screening at the airport. THAT is keeping us all safe!
Am I the only one who noticed the child-sized “corpse” in panel 8? That’s kinda mean, even by my standards!
Hey, nuclear bombs are not ‘selective.’ They aren’t really picky with who they incinerate. Children are going to die!
4. Duck and cover/place newspaper over head.
5. Watch newspaper burst into flame.
6. Burst into flame yourself.
If you have enough time to distinguish between 5 and 6, I would say you are doing pretty good.
This is about the sophistication of the instructions given to workers during nuclear tests in Australia in the 50s. Didn’t make a difference to the resulting cancers, nor did failing to instruct Aboriginal people living in the area make a difference to their death rates either. Politics on your funneh blog!
If any member of the family should die whilst in the shelter, put them outside – but remember to tag them first for identification purposes.
I love how the “avert eyes from flash” one shows the guy peeking through his fingers
I just want this sign.
This is actually kinda old.
In the “brace for blast” frame, how is the little girl levitating like that?
Telekenetic time traveling children still need to brace for impact.
she didn’t brace.
“Comfort the dying”
You: “There, there. There, there.”
Dying: “OH GOD, I’M DYING, AREN’T I?!?”
You: “No, no, no, it’s perfectly normal to be covered in radiation burns and crap out your intestines. You’ll be fiiiiiiine.”
they forgot one… right around ‘brace for the blast’ the ‘bend over and kiss your ass goodbye’ part..
Where is suggestion 9, “Ingest as much cocaine as you can find, shoot up anything that can be put in a needle, phone up the Pentagon and ask for directions to the nearest brothel – hell, you are going to die anyway so have some fun in your last minutes!”
Well, it’s easy to look and point and say how naive this is, but really, in a nuke war, not everyone is going to be directly under an airburst. Obviously, if you are, you’re gone. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to survive a strike that’s hitting 20 or 50 miles away. Also, given the relatively low yield of ’50s/’60s era Soviet nukes, survivability was quite possible, again, as long as you are not right underneath.
Regarding the newspaper over the head — dunno about that, never heard that one before. But this very odd chap from Guildford, in England, who I met in a bar, once suggested a brown paper bag over the head . . . not that it would help . . . .
There was the issue that the Soviet guidance systems were not a sophisticated as those in the West; thus they multi targeted. I would say that there was a good chance of having an airburst closer to you than the target some 20 – 50 miles away. If you were in an area with multiple targets (say, London or Paris) you were going to be saturated with warheads. If you received a warning of an incoming attack, you could pretty much rely on having detonations directly effecting you.
That guy may not have been from Guilford after all…
I’ll ease their suffering by telling them it’s just a part of becoming a super hero.
Newspaper over the head is to protect against secondary projectiles–bits of window glass, nails, wood splinters, etc.
+1 to PsychoDad’s comments….being near a nuke isn’t a 100% chance of death, percentage decreases with distance…survivability increases with distance + actions taken during the event.
(“near” is relative to the size and altitude of the blast, terrain, etc, none of which is in your control; survivability radius (imho) starts at about 10 miles from ground zero given the size of today’s nukes)
This would be from my city.
Portland Freakin’ Oregon, I love it.
This dates to sometime in the early 1980s.
ok, let me explain the whole ” Cover your head with a newspaper” thing; its to protect against alpha particles (weakest form of radiation most anything can block em though, including skin)
Do Not Eat
look how nicely they stacked the corpses!!! and the little one on top!! dude AVERT BOTH EYES unless you wanna be half blind!!
I love that this if from Portland. 😀
Wow, this makes me feel all kinds of better.
Real what to do in case of a nuclear blast: Kiss your ass goodbye, and if you survive, welcome to Hell.
The only thing worse than dying in a nuclear war, is surviving one….
Yep because you not only do you have to worry about disease and radiation sickness you have to fend off zombies,vampires,and mutants. At least according to Fallout3.
Or if it was Skynet that launched the attack youll have to deal with its army of machines.
Alright, has nobody even noticed the dead baby in #8?
My bad, never mind.
This is my new wall paper at work! You know to keep things in perspective. Everytime I look at it I see more; the pirate hat newspaper, the odd misorder of 3 & 4, the child corpse. My favorite though has got to be #5. Clearly the man with no leg, the child with a cast and the woman are not going to the hospital. Headed into the hospital instead is a high priority evacuee in the form of a skipping sailor.
OMCC! I live in Portland, Oregon! Now I know what to do in case of nuclear emergency. Thank you (LONG AGO) Mayor Frank Ivancie.
they must think we’re complete idiots! Now of those things listed will protect you in a nuclear blast! So, spread your legs, bend over; and kiss your ass good-bye! 🙂
Brace for impact THEN duck and cover/put news paper over head?
I find it funny that the guy that had the news paper is now under the table and the guy behind him now has the news paper.
Hey! That stickman is peeking at the blast!
I guess Necrophiliacs should not apply
I guess some will survive while standing next to you.
Uhm Yea Zombies are there USE UR NUCLEAR PROOF NEWSPAPERS TO KILL EM
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