In Case Of Nuclear Attack

Funny Signs - In Case Of Nuclear Attack

Submitted by: OhGizmo! via Oddly Specific

No can do. I’ll be too busy cutting off heads so no one comes back as a zombie.

This entry was posted in Informational Signage, instructions and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

131 Responses to In Case Of Nuclear Attack

  1. Mike says:

    Oh yeah, “Place newspaper over head” — that’s really gonna help in case of a nuclear blast.

  2. l3lacklagoon says:

    It should say incinerate corpses to prevent zombie attack.

  3. Henry Jones Jr says:

    They left out “Empty out and climb into nearest lead lined refridgerator and yank door closed just before the blast wave hits.”

  4. Mommynator says:

    I like the old poster better:

    In case of nuclear blast, put head between knees and kiss your ass good-bye.

  5. Hanshi says:

    backwards its a dream

  6. Seibee says:

    I’m pretty sure you’re not ‘averting your eyes from the flash’ if you’re peeking.

    • hamstap85 says:

      well, who really would completely divert their eyes? they wanna see a little bit! they’re just being realistic….

    • griffinlady says:

      well he is averting one eye so you’ll be able to see from at least one remaining. ^_~

    • CX316 says:

      In the land of the flash-blind, the man without depth perception is king

  7. Lugh says:

    You know, it would take some very minor ‘shopping of the lines around the dying guy’s waist to make that a very different kind of “comfort”…

    • 5150 says:

      See, that should be on the list. If you’re gonna die, might as well die orgasmically.

    • The Amazing Rando says:

      That should be number one on the list: “If nuclear blast is forthcoming, remember, this is your last chance to get some.”

    • LeeshaJoy says:

      In some cases, it may be your ONLY chance to get some.

    • brucks says:

      That way you could have the unique experience of coming & going at the same time. ( My 1st choice )

  8. A Noun says:

    How can you do 2 and 3 at the same time?

    Anyway, Remain Calm. You’re screwed at that point anyway.

  9. rab3 says:

    Yea you would not want the dying to leave the planet with a boner. And in case she survives re-population looks like it is off to a good start.

  10. Hirayuki says:

    I like the “Remain Calm”. Huh, a nuclear attack. Who, me? Nah, just chillin’. Almost done with the sports section if you want it.

  11. Dario says:

    Point 7… least they die happy 😀

  12. flaps says:

    I’m also interested by item #5 — don’t ask the doctors to save your life if you’re not high-priority!

  13. Joel says:

    Ah, Portland… my hometown.

    I especially like how the guy covering his eyes is still peeking through… so he’ll be half-blind in one eye.

  14. Dario says:

    In case of nuclear attack:

    1. Steal someone else’s newspaper.

    2. Play peek-a-boo.

    3. Leave your wife and daughter at home.

    4. Scare someone while pretending to be Napoleon.

    5. Go window shopping.

    6. Go out for dinner.

    7. Have sex.

    8. Stand in a closet with wheels.

  15. ColoZ says:

    “City of Portland, Frank Ivancie, Mayor” — according to Wikipedia he served from 1981-85. I wonder where the sign is still up?

  16. 50000 says:

    Notice the guy behind the calm one doesn’t have a newspaper, and he is in a more anxious stance.

    • Alex says:

      Yes, because everyone knows Wikipedia is a reliable source for accurate information

    • Justin says:

      I hope you are not being sarcastic, because it is in fact a reliable source for accurate information.

  17. G. James says:

    “No can do. I’ll be too busy cutting off heads so no one comes back as a zombie.”

    You’re not fooling me. You’re just trying to corner the market on brains!

  18. orion says:

    Sure thing. Cover yourself completely in newspaper and you’re safe.

  19. Liz says:

    I’m not sure there will be too many whole bodies to isolate…most of them will be blow to bits, won’t they?

    • bionelly says:

      Not the ones who died from radiation poisoning.

    • ME!!!!! says:

      wouldnt the raditaion also kill the bacteria, and therefore some of the diseases? or are there raditation resistant bacteria too?

    • bionelly says:

      Well, the key word there is “some”. 😉 If the person isn’t exposed to enough radiation to kill him/her instantly, then the bacteria they’re carrying wouldn’t *all* be killed, either. Plus, if they’re well enough to wander into areas where people weren’t exposed to enough radiation to be killed, there will be bacteria there, too, which those people will then pick up. Plus, if you leave dead bodies lying around, they’re likely to attract animals, some of which will be carrying diseases. So, yeah, that part of the sign actually does make sense.

  20. JT says:

    So I was looking at this on a small, low resolution screen and I could have sworn that #8 said:
    “Violate corpses to prevent spread of disease.”

  21. Gabrielle says:

    Okay, um…I’m less flabbergasted by “comfort the dying” as I am by “place newspaper over head”. How would that be of any kind of help?

  22. Shukmeister says:

    “Comfort the dying” is a euphemism for “Checking pockets for loose chains”

  23. dom says:

    No 6 have food and water for several weeks? now you tell me?

  24. Towelie says:

    Don’t forget to bring a towel!

  25. tizalee says:

    I’m 58 and I remember this kind of stuff-scared the hell out of us when we were kids-looking at it now-it’s ridiculous-boy were the adults stupid-newspapers? Brace for blast? Remain Calm?-Pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    • Dave H says:

      Nah, it was just propaganda to make the public think the government actually, you know, cared. It’s nothing like TSA security screening at the airport. THAT is keeping us all safe!

    • LemonFresh says:


  26. No1askedme says:

    Am I the only one who noticed the child-sized “corpse” in panel 8? That’s kinda mean, even by my standards!

    • Alex says:

      Hey, nuclear bombs are not ‘selective.’ They aren’t really picky with who they incinerate. Children are going to die!

  27. the dark ferret says:

    4. Duck and cover/place newspaper over head.
    5. Watch newspaper burst into flame.
    6. Burst into flame yourself.

    • CK159 says:

      If you have enough time to distinguish between 5 and 6, I would say you are doing pretty good.

  28. snokful says:

    This is about the sophistication of the instructions given to workers during nuclear tests in Australia in the 50s. Didn’t make a difference to the resulting cancers, nor did failing to instruct Aboriginal people living in the area make a difference to their death rates either. Politics on your funneh blog!

  29. Relax! says:

    If any member of the family should die whilst in the shelter, put them outside – but remember to tag them first for identification purposes.

  30. youralcoholicdad says:

    I love how the “avert eyes from flash” one shows the guy peeking through his fingers

  31. Robbie says:

    I just want this sign.

  32. Ford says:

    This is actually kinda old.

  33. wimple says:

    In the “brace for blast” frame, how is the little girl levitating like that?

  34. Rabber Rouser says:

    “Comfort the dying”

    You: “There, there. There, there.”
    Dying: “OH GOD, I’M DYING, AREN’T I?!?”
    You: “No, no, no, it’s perfectly normal to be covered in radiation burns and crap out your intestines. You’ll be fiiiiiiine.”

  35. Razor says:

    they forgot one… right around ‘brace for the blast’ the ‘bend over and kiss your ass goodbye’ part..

  36. MarkjameS says:

    Where is suggestion 9, “Ingest as much cocaine as you can find, shoot up anything that can be put in a needle, phone up the Pentagon and ask for directions to the nearest brothel – hell, you are going to die anyway so have some fun in your last minutes!”

  37. PsychoDad says:

    Well, it’s easy to look and point and say how naive this is, but really, in a nuke war, not everyone is going to be directly under an airburst. Obviously, if you are, you’re gone. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to survive a strike that’s hitting 20 or 50 miles away. Also, given the relatively low yield of ’50s/’60s era Soviet nukes, survivability was quite possible, again, as long as you are not right underneath.

    Regarding the newspaper over the head — dunno about that, never heard that one before. But this very odd chap from Guildford, in England, who I met in a bar, once suggested a brown paper bag over the head . . . not that it would help . . . .

    • MarkjameS says:

      There was the issue that the Soviet guidance systems were not a sophisticated as those in the West; thus they multi targeted. I would say that there was a good chance of having an airburst closer to you than the target some 20 – 50 miles away. If you were in an area with multiple targets (say, London or Paris) you were going to be saturated with warheads. If you received a warning of an incoming attack, you could pretty much rely on having detonations directly effecting you.

    • ostpaaburgeren says:

      That guy may not have been from Guilford after all…

  38. Justin says:

    I’ll ease their suffering by telling them it’s just a part of becoming a super hero.

  39. doowahdiddy says:

    Newspaper over the head is to protect against secondary projectiles–bits of window glass, nails, wood splinters, etc.

    +1 to PsychoDad’s comments….being near a nuke isn’t a 100% chance of death, percentage decreases with distance…survivability increases with distance + actions taken during the event.

    (“near” is relative to the size and altitude of the blast, terrain, etc, none of which is in your control; survivability radius (imho) starts at about 10 miles from ground zero given the size of today’s nukes)

  40. Kalissa says:

    This would be from my city.

  41. wait, what? says:

    ok, let me explain the whole ” Cover your head with a newspaper” thing; its to protect against alpha particles (weakest form of radiation most anything can block em though, including skin)

  42. HistoryMaker says:

    alpha particles

    Do Not Eat

  43. kate says:

    look how nicely they stacked the corpses!!! and the little one on top!! dude AVERT BOTH EYES unless you wanna be half blind!!

  44. LOgirl says:

    I love that this if from Portland. 😀

  45. supergeek17 says:

    Wow, this makes me feel all kinds of better. :/
    Real what to do in case of a nuclear blast: Kiss your ass goodbye, and if you survive, welcome to Hell.

  46. biggles1 says:

    The only thing worse than dying in a nuclear war, is surviving one….

    • Somebody says:

      Yep because you not only do you have to worry about disease and radiation sickness you have to fend off zombies,vampires,and mutants. At least according to Fallout3.

      Or if it was Skynet that launched the attack youll have to deal with its army of machines.

  47. nam says:

    Alright, has nobody even noticed the dead baby in #8?

  48. Angela says:

    This is my new wall paper at work! You know to keep things in perspective. Everytime I look at it I see more; the pirate hat newspaper, the odd misorder of 3 & 4, the child corpse. My favorite though has got to be #5. Clearly the man with no leg, the child with a cast and the woman are not going to the hospital. Headed into the hospital instead is a high priority evacuee in the form of a skipping sailor.

  49. J2 says:

    OMCC! I live in Portland, Oregon! Now I know what to do in case of nuclear emergency. Thank you (LONG AGO) Mayor Frank Ivancie.

  50. tom says:

    they must think we’re complete idiots! Now of those things listed will protect you in a nuclear blast! So, spread your legs, bend over; and kiss your ass good-bye! 🙂

  51. DjDoDo says:

    Brace for impact THEN duck and cover/put news paper over head?

  52. Bob says:

    Steps 1/4

    I find it funny that the guy that had the news paper is now under the table and the guy behind him now has the news paper.

  53. Anonymous says:

    Hey! That stickman is peeking at the blast!

  54. Broc says:

    I guess Necrophiliacs should not apply

  55. Mushroom man says:

    I guess some will survive while standing next to you.

  56. RaggyLol says:


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